How to hide
On hiding in plain sight
At my year twelve valedictory night in a school so tiny we had on 30 students in the graduating class; a slide show presentation is projected in the darkened school hall to students, parents and teachers. There were ooh and aah's at all the memories of the years gone by and I smile as a photo of me at my desk in an economics class pops up on the screen, I smile to myself - I remember that day.
To my surprise I hear a voice behind me saying rather brashly 'who's that?'
I couldn't contain my eye roll - really?
That wouldn't be the only time I had managed to be a successful chameleon. It would take me seven years at my place of employment in my 20's to be recognised for a service award. When the nomination did come through it prompted a senior manager to make the journey from their third floor office to see me at my post and apologise for not having recognised my consistent high quality service earlier. After that, I would win the award two years in a row.
Hiding? Or is that Masking?
'The chameleon' - an old world lizard with the ability to change colour, OR a person who changes appearance/personality to fit into the situation they find themself in.
Seeing as I was so good at hiding in plain sight - that at least one of my peers at high school didn't even know who I was by graduation - I guess I am officially a graduate of the world's first ever 'hiding in plain sight school'. Ok, I just made that up but the whole notion is pretty ridiculous but one born out of survival. What drives someone to want to hide so bad?
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Many (not all) autistic girls have an inbuilt survival skill called masking which involves them skilfully mirroring situations, letting go of their authentic self and becoming what is popular or common at the time. If a group of girls are into Taylor Swift, she will be too. If they all have a brand of diary, water bottle or clothing, they will grab those things quickly to ensure they are part of the group. This is beyond any normal level fashion or fad, this imitating or 'masking' as it is referred to in the autistic community comes at great emotional cost to the autistic person and can involve significant amounts of 'time out' to decompress after a long day at school or work.
To be hiding in plain sight, you must not be too unique, not too rich or too poor, not too social, and if you are out at a bar, drink enough so people know you are not boring. It's a fine line to balance. Some people mask and hide for so much of their lives that they forget who they are and become confused with all the different versions of themself. It's a hard one to untangle and probably a lifelong project to work out - who am I? A late diagnosis of autism can be a self awareness lifesaver in this regard helping a person begin a new journey in this world as their authentic human self.